Rediscovering Love

THE COURTSHIP PHASE There are few experiences in life that are as fulfilling to most people as the sense of feeling connected to another person. When we have the experience of feeling connected, we can also experience what it is like to be appreciated, loved, and accepted by another person and we often, as a result of that connection, can develop or enhance our sense of positive self-worth, positive self-esteem, and competence. Given all the positive experiences that can result from a strong emotional connection, one might ask, “What could possibly be more important than finding and maintaining this connection?” As important as this experience can be for most people, however, there is often another need that can compete with the desire for connection: the desire to avoid emotional pain. In fact, the desire to avoid psychological and emotional discomfort can be so strong that it can overshadow the desire to connect and, as a result, the process of establishing and maintaining a strong and stable emotional connection often involves resolving that conflict, a conflict I call “The Lover’s Dilemma.” I am often asked, “When can this conflict first appear in a relationship?” and “What are the signs of this conflict?” The best way to answer this question is to understand what takes place at the beginning of a relationship and how the Lover’s Dilemma can develop during that time. This beginning is called “The Courtship Phase” and consists of four stages: Initial Attraction, Accommodation, Testing, and Disclosure.