Blind Justice

I don’t have any clear memories of being with my family. My first definite recollections are of the time I spent in the children’s home I was placed in after leaving the hospital. The Channel Islands are a peculiar place as they are definitely English, but it’s like they are in the past somehow. When I was there it was like there was an almost Victorian attitude towards morality and behaviour. Regarding bringing up children they believed, “Don’t speak unless your spoken to.” Corporal punishment was very much the order of the day. As I had no family I was very lonely. A person can feel incredibly friendless yet still be in a room full of people. I was often in a dormitory with about 20 other young boys yet I felt totally companionless and isolated. I think the staff saw how I was doing with all the other people and some took advantage of the situation. It all began one night when I was lulled into a false sense of security by a devious Deputy House master. I went to the bathroom from the dorm shortly after ‘lights out’ and then when I walked back I found Mr Blackhurst was in the corridor. He was walking towards his little apartment at the end of the North wing. Seeing me he approached tentatively, then he crouched down and put his arm around my shoulders. “How are you feeling Mark? Lonely?…Scared?” He spoke in a soft voice which seemed to sound sympathetic. I doubt if I even spoke in answer to his questions. I expect I just nodded my head. “Would you like to come back to my rooms and have a hot cup of cocoa?” His invitation was very appealing as I hadn’t had any chocolate for months. Also I was freezing cold as the winter was in full swing and the heating system had broken down again. I must have agreed as he took my hand and led me down the passage and up to the door of his residency. I felt apprehensive due to some conversations I’d overheard the older boys having. They used to call him Mr Blackheart, but I didn’t know why. He opened the door and I felt a blast of heat come through the doorway. Inside he had an open fire burning pieces of coal the size of cricket balls. The room was probably the most alluring I had seen for ages. The shelves were lined with appealing books and children’s toys and games. Also the walls were covered with attractive red paper and round the fireplace were a couple of comfy looking armchairs. For months I’d only sat on wooden boards. No sign of padding anywhere for us. “Sit yourself down and I’ll get the cocoa on.” He pushed me gently towards the gorgeous heat of the fireplace. I went and sat on the pile of cushions on the chair nearest the fire. He went through a doorway to his kitchenette. I then saw him come back and pick up a bottle of clear, colourless liquid from a collection of other bottles. They nearly all seemed to be clear but some had a range of colours to them; many looked like tea without milk in. I soon found myself drinking from a hot mug. The chocolate had a strange after taste to it but I wasn’t going to complain. As it was so warm in his place he told me to take off my dressing gown as otherwise I wouldn’t feel the benefit of putting it on again when I left. He took off his jacket and undid the buttons on his shirt. He also took out his cuff links and rolled up his sleeves. By now I was feeling a bit queasy and it was hard to keep my eyes open. Then he crouched down next to me and I remember he stroked my hair. I can vaguely recall him rubbing my upper arms and my thighs saying he wanted to make sure the heat got right into me. The next thing I’m sure about was I woke up in his bedroom and I was in his bed without my pyjamas on. What I did have on was a blindfold so I couldn’t see. After that I woke up back in the dormitory and I had a stinking headache. I can’t explain it very well but I felt incredibly dirty and guilty. Later that morning I saw Mr Blackhurst and he reminded me I had promised him I’d not mention that episode to anyone else as obviously he couldn’t give cocoa to all the boys in the home, only one or two who were his special friends. He said he had picked out a couple of us for particular care and attention as we were the most sensitive boys there. We couldn’t tell the other boys as obviously they would become jealous.