The Fortune Seekers

Daniel, do it. Take your life into your own hands’, it mocks him, laughing as it taunted. ‘This isn’t the freedom I’m after!’ His cry is from his heart. ‘You misunderstand freedom, Daniel. You want freedom? Then break free, step off into the unknown. Come follow me!’ The mocking voice drives his confused mind unrelentingly into a place of greater instability. ‘Leave me alone!’ Dan screams. The strong Atlantic air current pushes against his body, his raised arms making him unstable. He wavers in the wind, unsteady on his feet. Momentarily, neurotically, believing he is enjoying the instability of the erratic swaying sensation, despite the pounding of his heart and the rising tension disturbing his mind, his breathing is rushed – he is panicking – yet doing nothing to prevent disaster. ‘Go on. Don’t be scared. Take the first step. For once take your life into your own hands, and follow me’, repeats the eerie voice. ‘No!’ It unrelentingly continues challenging Dan. ‘Stop shrinking back from decision-making. For once, take control.’ ‘I want freedom, not death.’ His cry is weak and unconvincing. ‘Death is without sting for those who believe. Death brings freedom. You do believe this?’ taunts the demonic voice. ‘No!’ ‘Set yourself free from being controlled. Think for yourself. Be a man, Daniel. Follow me. Step into the unknown.’ A shudder passes through Dan’s body. Confusion compounds. A bewildered cry to the heavens comes from deep within his tortured soul. ‘Not this way. Freedom isn’t found this way . . . Oh God, help me!’ Around him, thunderclaps travelling across the sky echo around the hills as if the taunting spirit is spreading its fingers wide, throwing lightning from the booming clouds suddenly formed overhead, determined to frighten the man on the cliff edge as a battle rages in the heavens. Dan stands his ground, whispering, ‘God, help me . . . to live.’ A glimmer of sanity flickers within his tortured mind. A thread of resistance dissipates. His mind refocuses to what his upbringing taught him – on his childhood faith. ‘This is not the way. God, please . . . hear me!’ he shouts. His voice echoes across the valley as the storm recedes. It’s a desperate cry from the heart to the God of his childhood – the words, along with the seagull calls, seemingly stolen by the wind. His one need – to be listened to – is earnest. A soulful, inner lament replaces the shout. ‘God! I have lost my way. Help me find real meaning in my life.’ Like a burning arrow, fire enters the deeply hidden part within him – the soul. His heart opens to it, inviting the searing. Emotions rise from deep down, bringing much needed catharsis. Tears escape from his eyes, streaming – even rolling – like raindrops down his cheeks, unbidden. Tears for the years of striving to please. To prove he is one of the elect, the chosen ones of God.The burden of never being good enough has been wearying. He is broken. Spent. Desperate. Losing control, births additional fears.The emotional pain indescribable. His mind screams, ‘I don’t want to die! I want to live! But not this way!’ The searing within his heart eases, replaced by something new – unfamiliar – yet welcome. He sways on the cliff edge, his heart racing inside his chest. ‘How now am I to live?’ The swaying motion, high on the cliffs, calms Dan’s mind. Below, the thrashing waves continue their journey to the rocks. The crashing and booming, which previously thundered through his head, is strangely silenced.Replaced by a gentle, yet earnest, whispering. He turns his head. Listening. ‘Tell me, Daniel. Tell me that you want to live . . . my way’, whispers another voice. The still, calm, velvet tone warms his soul. ‘Say it, Daniel. Speak the truth.’ His lips, parched and dry, quiver unbidden. His mind struggles to control them, until his tongue thrusts forward involuntarily, moistening the parched lips, releasing the muscles. Dan speaks, answering the still voice, saying, ‘I want to live your way. I want to live a fulfilling, worthwhile life. Help me, God.’ The battle within the heavens ends. Now there is silence. Stillness. Peace beyond understanding. Gulls scream over his head, circling as they soar in the jet stream, high above. Yet Dan remains motionless. Waiting. Listening. The crisis finally over. He overcame the demonic attack, having chosen, instead, to walk in the spirit – following his innermost heart, listening to the still voice within. Unbeknown to Dan, as the battle raged, in the valley below, two elderly women on their midday walk were observing him. They are startled, seeing Dan swaying on the dangerous ledge. ‘What is he doing?’ one exclaims. ‘We need to cry out to him.’ They shout, ‘Dan, Dan!’ The wind blows the words away. Not giving up, they resume their shouts. ‘Dan, be careful. You’ll fall to your death.’ ‘He isn’t responding.’ Not giving up, she shouts again. ‘Step back from the edge.’ They are only able to watch – unable to do more, apart from praying. The worst is imagined. They are aware of his personal trial. ‘Please, God, stop him from jumping.’ ‘And give him your peace.’ Dan appears to be aware of the danger, dropping his arms to his sides. The swaying ceases. The storm clouds dissipate. He is returning to his senses at last, to some kind of sanity. The shouting within his head is replaced by silence, the scream of the gulls distant. The women in the valley continue watching. He leans forward, stretching to one side, clutching a branch on a gnarly old tree, clinging to the rocky crevices over the edge of the cliff. He grips the root – thankfully, now rational. ‘How stupid! I almost toppled over the side. What a horrible way to solve my problems!’ His head is clearer, his breathing slow. ‘I’m not ready to die. Not before seeing the world.’ The ramblers turn away. The danger is over. No need to remain. He is safe. They continue their late-morning walk, not without concern at what they witnessed. The episode confirms his mother’s concerns that Dan is struggling. The story being spread around Nevern is true. Unaware of their presence, Dan clambers across the ledge, in order to re-join the path. His intention is to make his way home. Briskly walking, Dan closes the gap between the cliff face and home. ‘Pa’s anger will be my welcome. After all, anger is deserved, as once again I’m a disappointment.’ Life’s been one long battle – to be honest, not physically; more a struggle in the mind, due to an inability in forming his own beliefs, philosophies, and values.And of conforming. Most of his beliefs and behaviours were acquired in his early years, from his relations and from the clergy. Surely, inheriting church-based wisdom and adult experiences is ideal. But everything is not always as it seems. There is no way he is able to live this way trying to live according to the rules. He fails repeatedly. All around, pious adults are failing as well. The standards are very high. The villagers try to prove to themselves and others that God is blessing them abundantly. Shown by working hard, saving, spending little, they receive blessings – attributed to God, not their hard work and thriftiness. Dan’s understanding about the theology of the Calvinists is in question. Therefore, this religion is causing him to stumble in the Nevern community. The big question is, are the conclusions he made as a child relevant now that he is a young man? The journey from childhood into manhood is currently bringing other clashes as well. Without the courage to accept or discard parental viewpoints, Dan will strain and labour further. The path he is choosing requires a change of mind. He is at war with himself. The process isn’t only about religion and authority. An established routine is interwoven in the life of the Welsh village...