Crown of Ashes

I will never forget the next day as long as I can breathe. I woke up to the news that ‘today Damascus was going to fall to the rebels.’ The driver who was supposed to take Ben to Lebanon informed us that he couldn’t leave his neighborhood because of, the shooting. Ben was calm, he was playing with a Rubik’s cube and speechless. I think he brainwashed himself that it wasn’t meant to be. I got on my phone calling all my contacts. Finally I found a driver who would drive him to Beirut if I could take him to the old city, the Christian neighborhood in Damascus. “Let’s go Ben, now! We have forty minutes after that he is leaving.” As I got to the check point in Damascus, there were very few cars, unusual. “Ms. Mexique! Where are you going? Go back! Every neighborhood is under attack. We might have to close this highway!” the soldier said pleading. “I can’t go back! I have to take Ben to the old city, he is leaving! Let me through, please!” He shook his head and waved me through, saying “God be with you.” There were sounds of bombing, shelling and shooting. I got to a main square and people were running for their lives. I took the tunnel and came out close to the old city. Ben was quiet, as I drove up the street and parked near to the waiting taxi. As we got down, and Ben took his suitcase, he approached me. He had a quiet expression of wonderment. I had a smile on my face, my eyes were dry, no tears. I hugged him tightly, kissed him and said goodbye. “Godspeed, Ben. Go!” I saw him put his suitcase in the trunk and he took one last look. I waved goodbye and blew him a kiss. I started back, there were plumes of smoke all around, then I thought, I couldn’t go back to the suburb because there was no coverage. I drove with the horrible sounds of war to Amanda’s house near the old city. She was my closest friend of the ten ladies of the English class. She was so shocked when she opened the door. “What are you doing in Damascus?” she inquired. I told her and we drank coffee. She had workers in the house so that forced me to stay composed. Forty minutes later I received a call from my neighbor in the suburb. “Where are you, Vanessa? The rebels are close to the highway! My husband told me to tell you to come back now!” “On my way.” I replied. I kissed Amanda goodbye and left her house. I called Ben on his cell phone. “Where are you sweetheart?” “MOM! I was about to try to call you. I have just made it to the border. I will pass into Lebanon in a minute.” “Thank God, have a good trip, sweetheart. Habibi, I love you so much.” “Thanks Mom, I love you more.” I realized that it was cloudy and starting to sprinkle. I looked up at the sky, one couldn’t tell which were black clouds and which were plumes of smoke from the bombing. I could hear the bombing and shelling but thank God, it seemed a little far away. I felt the rain on my face, Ben was finally safe, he was safe from this bloodshed. My tears and the rain fell on my cheeks. All of a sudden I stopped dead in my tracks. There were no cars on the street. Had my car been stolen, towed away…? ’Oh, no! Not today!’ I thought panicking. I turned around and began walking back as I felt my heart throbbing in my chest. Then I saw it, it was there, right where I had parked it. I was so distraught that I had walked right past it. I got in the car, dried my tears, no more tears, I had to go home. When I got to the check point at Damascus highway, the soldier was on his phone, he came towards me. “Ms. Mexique! What the hell? They are so close to the highway. Floor it. Go fast, don’t stop, go over a hundred, there are snipers as well.” I was the only car on the deserted highway. It was horribly scary and there were plumes of smoke left and right. I arrived safely and Darma opened the door and hugged me as she said, “Thank God for your safe return, Mom. Are you alright?” “Yes, sweetie, Ben has just crossed into Lebanon.” “Mom, my father-in-law has called ten times and I didn’t dare answer.” At that moment the ground phone rang again. We looked at the ID caller and it was Feiras. “Where is Ben?” He screamed. “He has just crossed into Lebanon.” I answered. With the loudest voice imaginable he screamed, “WHY? Why did you do that? Do you know what you have just done? You have just broken me. I am broken.” I had a lot that I could have said, but it wasn’t the time. I could have told him that he didn’t care, that he had abandoned us, that what did he do for him? But there was so much hurt and pain and anger that I just moaned, I moaned so loud, I moaned from the bottom of my heart. “You! You are broken? It is not about you! It is about him! If anyone is broken, it is me. Ben is my friend, my companion, my do-it-all, my support, my youngest son! I already miss him.” I cried. There was silence on the other end. I think that Feiras had forgotten that I was human, that I could cry. He said, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”