There’s Always Risk in Movement

We were standing at the entrance to Smelly Alley talking shite before the other two were to head off towards the Oxford Road. I had but a short amble through the town centre. A fish lorry on a late-night delivery had parked beside where we stood, and Muff was in fact leaning against it having a smoke. Before we split up Muff turned to me and said: "Do you fancy some fish?" "Aye, all right then," I said. In a flash, Muff had grabbed a box of fish from the back of the van. He then summoned Eugene to take an end and they were off on their heels up Friar Street. I slid a second box from the truck and headed in the other direction to the Kings Road. That was it for the evening, so it was off to bed and into the land of nod in no time. Everything was well in dreamland until about 5.30 am when Nancy began to yell into my lug: "Wake up, wake up, there's some nutter screaming and banging the front door!" Bloody typical, I thought. My Saturday morning lie in was out the window. "Who is it?" I asked. "I don't know but if they keep on banging I'm calling the police," she replied. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I carefully lifted the lower sash window and peeped out at the lunatic below. "Who is it, what do they want?" enquired Nancy. I rubbed my eyes again and shaking my head I said: "It's Julie." "What does she want?" asked Nancy. "I don't know but it must be serious you better let her come in," I returned. Nancy ushered Julie into the living room and I could hear the anxiety in her voice as I came downstairs from the bedroom. She was shaking all over; then Nancy asked what was wrong. "Eugene hasn't come home, I don't know where he is," she said, visibly upset. When I walked into the living room she began to question me. "Where's Eugene, Where's Eugene!" she pleaded, demanding an answer. I scratched my head and tried to recall our last movements. "Is he with the dirty woman, did he meet the dirty woman?" continued Julie, voice trembling and completely flustered. The dirty woman was an attractive older lady that Eugene used to frequent further up in Jesse Terrace, but he'd long been shot of her. I paced the floor, thinking that the horny git had maybe pulled another bit of stuff after the pub. However, I quickly discarded the idea, knowing that he would not do that to Julie. But then again, he was with Muff. My mind was all over the show and it was hard to think with Julie howling like a banshee. I went into the kitchen to get some water and as I gulped the glass dry I noticed something on the countertop. It was a box of frozen fish. Then the pieces of the jigsaw began to fall into place. The dopey bastards had probably been lifted by the police. Giggling to myself I returned to join the girls when Julie asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I think I know where Eugene is, maybe in jail," I said. "Thank god for that, he's not with another woman," she wept joyfully. It seemed that Julie was relieved to find out that Eugene was in jail as opposed to dirty dogging it so she up and left. The next day my thoughts turned out to be correct: both of them were in the clink. They'd sneaked through the back streets, trying to lay low, and were stopped by a patrol car and then carted off to the cells. I on the other hand had walked right past the late night revellers down through the town centre and home. By the afternoon, they were still locked up. Muff was scheduled to turn out for our football team and Melinda had the scissors ready to cut his shirt and shorts to ribbons. She thought the same as Julie: that he was with another woman. These girls had no faith in their honourable men. They would have been released hours before but for Eugene's stubbornness. Muff was worried about not being able to play football the following day and had admitted it was a fair cop guv almost immediately, but Eugene would not be broken. He held firm to their original, absolutely unbelievable story that they both had concocted. Whilst Muff sat patiently in his cell awaiting emancipation, a police sergeant and constable were engaged in a battle of attrition with his pal. The interrogation went something like this: Police constable: "Where did you get the fish from?" Eugene: "We bought it from a big black man in the Boars Head." Police sergeant: "For God's sake Mr. McCartan, you've been here all night man; it's 1pm now just tell me where you got the fish. Your friend Mr. Smith has already confessed." Eugene: "From a big black man in the Boars Head." Police constable: "You're trying to tell me that a black chap approached you in the pub and undid his coat to reveal a 25lb box of Coley Saithe on his person. He was dealing fish? For the last time WHERE DID YOU GET THE FISH?" Eugene: "From a big black man in the Boars Head." Police sergeant: "But your mate has already told us that you nicked it from the back of a lorry parked outside Smelly Alley." Eugene: "I'm not falling for the good cop bad cop routine, Muff would never squeal. We bought it from a big black man in the Boars Head." The exhausted police officers retreated: beaten; unable to crack their obstinate adversary. Ultimately, he did break but not before the officers had taken early leave due to mental exhaustion.