Gray Hair, Black Belt

Chapter 5 - Stretching The most important warm up exercise for us elderlies is stretching. Oh, sure, there are the stretching exercises we all know: toe touches, trunk twisters, reaching for the tv remote (not to be done in class). But there are so many more: “Stretch It Out”: In the past this referred to my waistband. No more. This exercise requires you to spread your legs as far apart as possible while keeping them straight. I’ve seen some young double-jointed kids pull this off. They should be in the circus. You will be required to reach down to the floor, which is not as close as it looks. Then, you will reach to the right, then over to the left. After this, you will be told to SPREAD YOUR LEGS WIDER!!!. “Are you kidding me?” you will think. Then you do the stretches all over again! At this point, you might think it would be easier to just slice your tendons and start all over. No argument here. Now, all you “non-elderly males” may skip to the next exercise. The rest of this paragraph does not concern you. Okay, older guys, here’s a tip: While doing this stretching exercise I HIGHLY recommend you do not look at anyone else except the other older guys. Women and kids feel this is one of the easiest stretches ever invented. They do not know the torture we are going through, both physically and mentally. It is very depressing when you stretch out fully and notice your feet are only about a yard apart. The kids and women of the class have dropped down completely to the floor. You will never get close to doing that (unless you slice your tendons). You have been warned. By the way, despite all this stretching, you will still pull a muscle. “Rising Leg Stretches”: This exercise is not too bad. Basically, you keep your legs straight and just raise them as quickly and as high as possible. The best tip I can give you is to stand behind someone you do not like very much and pretend to be kicking them in the back of their heads. “Crescent Stretches”: An advanced form of “Rising Leg Stretches”, only instead of kicking straight up and down, you are supposed to swoop your legs in an arcing manner. “Supposed to” is the key phrase here. Pretend to be kicking that person in front of you upside their head. “Back Arches”: After you are done stretching your legs you might be told to drop your hips down to the floor. This is from the “Stretch It Out” position mentioned earlier. Sitting doesn’t count. You keep your feet in the same place and walk your hands straight ahead until your hips touch the floor. You then raise your head as high as possible and continually move it right and left. You will look and feel like a drunken walrus. “Toe Touches”: These are your standard “Stand up straight, bend down, and touch your toes”. The instructor will probably give you some leeway and let you touch your knees. The tops of your knees, of course. Don’t be a hero. This stretch is one of the toughest because of this one feature: at the end the instructor may make you “stay down”, meaning you are bent over as far as possible but do not straighten up. Wait until you see how long you can “stay down” when you aren’t able to breathe! Your stomach will be choking you. Get a tummy tuck before the next class. “Crossing Arms”: Cross your chest with your right arm. Then take your left hand and put it on your right elbow. Now pull your right elbow to the left until you tear your rotator cuff. Reverse arms and repeat on the other side. Sometimes it is a fine line between being limber and having a dislocated shoulder.