Scars of Destiny
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I tend to get blind sided by my wants, instead of staying focused on my needs. Also, while I am slowly putting the pieces of my life puzzle in place, there are those times when the puzzle board gets shaken and pieces become disengaged, which causes a set back in my restoration. For people who are determined to improve their lifestyles and unhealthy habits, set backs are temporary. For me, these are the times when I get lax and fall back into my old habits, allowing my insecurities and low self-esteem to creep back into my life; associating with the wrong people, engaging in traumatic situations and silently crumbling. The more I question my purpose the more depressed I get. I start entertaining thoughts of defeat and allowing my adversaries to weaken me. The devil is busy but God is omnipotent. No one said change comes easy and quick. Life is full of blessings, lessons and tests on a pass/fail system. Sometime we pass and sometime we fail. When we fail, we have to get up and try again and that’s when I use, what I call, my shut down experience. This is when I reset my mind to thinking good thoughts and meditate on all the things that are good, lovely and achievable and correct those areas that need some tweaking. I go back over that unlearned lesson, starting with self-evaluation, a process that will never get old no matter how many times we use it. We all need to continuously revise some areas in our lives. There are times when your journey will get blurry and the clouds of life become so thick that your vision will become obscured. You will always have to cope with problems and life issues won’t cease. How you handle them is what’s important. That’s the test. There will always be distractions and crossroads and you will always have the power to defeat and choose. That’s a lesson learned. When I got the idea to use shut down as a chapter in this book, I was actually in a shut down mode. I was feeling depleted and lost in my purpose. I was at a point where I wanted and needed everything in my life to just cease. I was sick and tired of everything and everybody. Lets be clear, we all at times just want to be left alone; don’t call me because I’m not picking up my phone, don’t text me, I will not text you back and please don’t come over because I won’t be answering the door. I just need my moment to get myself together. I was completely, totally in that place and I was determined to shut my life down for the moment. That’s all it takes sometimes is to just give ourselves that moment. Your moment could be whatever it takes to get you back on track. My shut down experience gave me time to examine the things/situations that got me in that spot in the first place. I surrendered and stopped doing and let God. I had to step back into a new dimension of faith. I have learned late in my life that a failure is a success that hasn’t been completed. So during my shut down times I re-energize, go over my lessons and get prepared to restart my journey onto God’s directed paths with clarity and true purpose. Readers are you with me? Did I help somebody?
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About the Book
Here I sit, with pen in hand, writing for the 9 year-old girl who endured overwhelming heartache and pain many years ago. I write for myself, and every young child who has suffered at the hands of the ones they trusted to care for them, to raise them, to nurture them and most importantly to help them to dream. To dream of what their future could be. I write for the 9 year-old girl who remained captive in my body, captive in my mind, and captive in my heart and soul. She had no idea on how to start her story or how it would end; she just wanted to be free. All she could see and feel was childhood pain that shackled her feet and cuffed her hands and kept her bound to the open wounds of the past. Pain is all she knew and she has longed forever to be released from it. The battle that she fought was one riddled with questions: Why did this happen to me? Why did God choose me to go through this? Why did my mom fail to protect me? Did I do something to deserve this? Questions that remain unanswered to this day. But it’s not the answers to these questions that set one on a journey of healing. It is the power to give voice to one’s reality. The voice that gives instruction on how to free yourself from constant hurt and self-inflicted pain. In this book, I give you the voice that was lost or silenced. I invite you, my readers, to go with me on this journey from hurt to healing and forgiveness. When I began writing this book, my thoughts were that my experiences would provide healing to others. As my words started to flow and I began to relive my past, I realized that this was for me, for my own healing. I know there are many who can relate to my journey and that’s unfortunate, but it’s real. Is there anyone out there who can relate to trauma in his or her life? Your trauma is anything that has happened in your life that has created a disturbance. Maybe you lost a loved one, or were raped by someone you knew or a stranger. Perhaps you experienced a bad breakup with someone, or your parents divorced, or you personally went through a divorce or (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Whatever caused you to become deeply wounded and separated from yourself, just know that you are not alone and help is just a whisper away. I had to make some serious decisions in my life that would make me or break me. Was I prepared to deal with my deep-rooted issues that stopped me from living life to the fullest through forgiveness? Or would I allow my past of being molested as a child, abused physically, mentally and psychologically as an adult and my own self-inflicted abusive behaviors continue to hinder me? I had experienced enough negativity in my life, so I decided to try something different - Believing in me.