Horizon Infinity

4/23 A Vision of Sobriety Warily, and with a degree of trepidation, do I assign to myself the task of imagining my life free from any depression or substance abuse, lest I am intimidated or over-awed by just how distant such a life still remains. For on the slopes of self-recovery I am still stumbling awkwardly amongst the foothills, prone to falling, and constantly tempted to retreat down the mountain. The image of myself atop the mountain appears to me as something rather ghostly and vague, a silhouette shrouded by mist and beset by a heavy fog. In spite of this I am able in moments of calmness and clarity to conceive of myself further aloft. I envisage a person finding fulfillment in their everyday life, no longer tempted to descend into chasms and therefore abandon any ground he has made. A person doing what they love to do, what they need to do, what they were born to do. I see a person brimming with confidence and self-belief, comfortable and at peace with others around him, and in whose own company he does not now feel ashamed. I imagine an individual no longer bent on self-sabotage and destruction, but on evolving as a being within this world, able to deal with frustrations and setbacks as well as any other on this Earth. One who walks along mountain ridges with a confidence and surefootedness I can for now only imagine with envy. Alas, it remains a long and treacherous journey before me, if I am able to meet this person, become this person, and grace the mountains summit. Though I cannot falter now, for too long have I dwelt in the shadow of the mountain, yearning to behold the sunlight which caresses its icy peaks. However, in imagining myself atop this highest of hills, peak and abyss are now joined together, and as such I can for the first time plot a course between them. Indeed, glorious in itself is the dawning belief that I have it within my power to scale this mountain, and never look back. And at times I can almost taste the cool air of my finest hour, when I stand atop the mountain, and feel the whole weight of the world beneath me. 8/23 Living Life Like There's No Tomorrow The greatest folly and failing of my existence has been to 'live life like there's no tomorrow'. It is meant as an encouraging and life-affirming mantra; however when one unpacks it, it is a rather depressing sentiment; assuming that there will be no tomorrow; and when the soft morning sun inevitably again does rise, we can be left with one hell of a hangover, steeped with regrets, when we have been living as though it wouldn't. Furthermore, when we live under the guidance of such a philosophy, our ideas can become a way of life; our way of life becomes habit; habit becomes instinct; and something which leads to unfavourable outcomes for both the individual and the world at large, can become overwhelmingly difficult to change. The present can be unpleasant, too much so to imagine its burdens extending on indefinitely and unabated. Though while life may not be worth living amidst present circumstances and conditions, we can always find meaning and worth in living for a better tomorrow; one which can cultivate today; hope is the fuel for the heroes inside us. And by living life like there's no tomorrow, we inadvertently pursue that end, by ensuring its neglect. Believing in tomorrow we build, while when we don't, we can only embrace our ruins; indeed, any comfort which can make our existence and ends a little more bearable. Live life for tomorrow; for even if it doesn't come, we will still have led a life far richer than if we had lived it pretending that there is no possibility of one. If you want eternity, then insure life against mortality; plant dreams which may grow beyond it; defy it in this life, rather than gambling on an afterlife for which there is no evidence or pretence. And we do no dishonour nor disservice to the past by living for the future. On the contrary, I'm certain our ancestors would be offended, if the inheritance they left us were squandered for the sake of stubbornness and greed, and upset should the only legacy they left us lead to dead ends and disaster. By knowing where we've come from, and where we are going, we are more effective and successful in the present. Learn from the past, live in the present, and live for the future.