Gatsby Returns

About the Book

The pain burned in his gut like white fire and the blood just wouldn’t stop flowing. In the back of his mind, Detective Jaworski had always feared this day—the day he was too slow. The day he got shot. "I didn’t want to die like this," he thought. "And the fact that I’m wearing a tutu just adds insult to injury."

David van Wert’s book Gatsby Returns is best described as stack of papers bound into a sheaf. It measures roughly eight and a half by five and a half inches on the cover surface. The interior pages contain many different stories. It is a handy book to keep in the bathroom, and not just because many of the stories are short enough to be read during the average crap session. This book can be useful for smacking any spiders that may have crawled into your tub, for example.

It has been said that given an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters, one could eventually produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Our budget, however, only allowed us one rented monkey with a crayon and a paper sack, so this was the best we could do. Our apologies, but we had to have the monkey back by noon or we’d have lost our deposit. Surely you understand.

About the Author

David van Wert was a member of the famed family of trapeze artists The Flying Dutchmen, until a tragic accident left him an orphan and earned him the colorful nickname “Butterfingers.” Hounded by inexplicable feelings of guilt, he left the circus and joined the Peace Corps, where he spent several weeks in Benin selling office supplies. Bringing incredible savings on all your office essentials to the third world was less fulfilling than the brochures had implied, however, and soon David was desperately looking for a way out. Dame Fortune smiled on David in the form of malaria. With no use for a weakened, delirious office supply salesman, the Peace Corps allowed the feverish David to simply wander off. Soon, he was passed out onboard a tramp steamer headed for the United States. And the rest, as they say, is not important enough to be considered history, but happened nonetheless.