Fiction

About the Book

Sex. Violence. Love. Hate. Revenge. Reconciliation. Not since the Bible has one book packed so much into so few pages. Ok, so the Bible is really long. And dull. And the sex scenes are terrible. Don’t waste your time reading the bible.  Fiction. Remember: better sex scenes. – E. Fleming, Noted Celebrity

It made my tummy hurt.

-Opus, Editor-in-Chief, Dead Dog Communications

Stop picking at it.

-Amanda Mae, Linguistic Specialist

Although there is much to like, I can’t at this time summon the enthusiasm for this project.

-Various Publishers

A spectacular failure. The book exists outside-of-time in an uninhabitable world that eerily resembles our own. I can only hope that our own fates will not be so gruesomely met.

-Royce, Editor

If I could explain this book in 250 words, I wouldn’t have written it.

-The Author

About the Author

I don’t necessarily hate you, insomuch as I don’t necessarily know you. But I do hate humans on general principle. And I hate many, many other things. Foremost among these is the advice given to every would-be writer:

“Write what you know.”

Idiotic, given:

A. Many people are idiots;

B. Most people have insufferably tedious lives (and honestly, it’s bad enough having to hear their anecdotes);

C. Anyone with half an ounce of wisdom realizes that no one really knows anything.

After much investigation, I’ve deduced that the original line has become ground down through years of abuse. Here is the original advice, near as I can figure:

“Write what you know, which is nothing. In other words don’t write, you stupid hairless chimp.”

I hope this is helpful to any would-be writers out there.