The Big Money and Other Stories

About the Book

Funny, Angry, and Creepy as Hell

It’s the only way to describe The Big Money and Other Stories, a collection of 16 tales about drug dealing, bank robbing, working at a fashion magazine, and other anti-social behavior. Some are classic ghost stories, some are humor pieces too sick and twisted to laugh at in good conscience, and some might qualify as oddly beautiful... I can’t (well, won’t) tell you whether you’ll get a kiss or a punch in the mouth at the end of each. But I’ll try to keep you interested.

Here are the stories:

3:33 a.m.

There are all kinds of things you couldn’t suspect. Cancer and accidents and airline screw-ups and plain, bad luck. And you don’t think about what it could be, until it’s more than half past three, and the phone is waking you.

Geiger Counter of Human Misery

God has revealed to me my one supernatural power. I can sense desperation like picking up top forty stations in your dental work. I can smell sadness like bad food in the back of the fridge. I am a Geiger counter of human misery.

The Pool

Drop yourself into the deep end of a pool and stare into the blue distance. Scary, isn’t it? It’s easy to imagine something down there, just out of sight, coming closer.

Sharing

Don’t talk to me about the weather if we’re on an elevator together. Not unless you want to hear my story.

The Long Confession

They don’t execute you for murder. They just make you talk about it.

What’s Wrong with Us?

Why did World War I begin? Why did Michelangelo paint himself into the Sistine Chapel? Why did Jessica make fun of me in seventh grade?

Mule

Each pellet is as big as a film canister, and he has to swallow a hundred of them. But that’s just the beginning.

Mushroom Boy

Love, heartbreak and costumed vigilantes at the Summer Fun Mental Achiever’s Camp. Plus some stuff about getting older and being unrecognizable to yourself.

The Woman I’m Obsessed With

Love is like bocci. My mind is like a family picnic. I’m pretty drunk.

Reckoning

Maybe it’s someone from a long time ago. But you’re sure that right now, he’s making life hell for some innocent woman. He is evil, and dangerous, and it would actually be a good deed to go out, find him, stop him, and come home like nothing’s happened. It isn’t crazy, is it? It isn’t crazy at all.

Parties

Pure hell, in a light coating of Cheeto dust.

Late Night Out Walking

The dealer was working on a play about caring and sharing. In the meantime, he showed me all about shaking down college boys.

Scarecrow

The Fifth Pennsylvania were a long way from home, deep into the Virginia countryside. Camped out in a strange field. Near an old scarecrow that shivered in the breeze.

Roommates

Desperation is paying people you don’t know large sums of money to become part of their screwed-up lives.

Hideout

They’d never robbed a bank before, but it was a perfect plan. All they needed to do was find a place to disappear for a while.

The Big Money

The only man on staff at a women’s fashion magazine, I was sexually harassed, sexually deprived, and chock full of ugly fantasies. I had no power, no future, and a horny desperation so intense it gave off a smell. My one revenge? At the parties we had, I could eat the food.

About the Author

If that sort of thing impresses you, Paul Bibeau writes regularly for Maxim. If not, Bibeau denies it all. A graduate of the University of Virginia and a former resident of Brooklyn, he doesn’t know whether he’s a Southerner or a Yankee, so both sides probably reject him. He’s also a lapsed Catholic who still believes in God, an ex-military brat who can’t stand moving day, and a former reporter who hates the media. He loves his wife; his mom, dad, friends and family; his cats; his country; and good, sweet, life-affirming Irish whiskey.