So one day I asked myself why am I here. To answer is difficult, somewhat impossible. I caste blame for my existence upon…. Now I experience periods of elation which proceeds bouts of depression and thoughts of death. Some see me, envy me, I have a wonderful beautiful family who tolerates me.
My bouts of depression come slowly, ever so slowly and I begin to visualize death, non painful death. Pills would seem to be the easiest, non painful. I guess I want it non painful since I experience pain daily. I cannot describe that particular internal suffering to anyone and I seriously doubt some could understand.
I write poetry to bring those feelings to the surface but if you haven’t been here you would never understand. The suffering I deal with silently killing me. I fear that one day it may be stronger than me. It may push too hard one day. If that day were to come I pray that those who read through my writings do not blame themselves for what I have done. I did state my existence is…. fault but certainly not the reason of my dieing. 10/31/00