When The Pages Won't Turn

A JOURNEY THROUGH ONES LIFE OF OPPRESSION, REGRESSION AND DEPRESSION PROLOGUE TO THE INSIDE ON ONES PAIN “Today, darkness is my clothing. When I look around me and at my garment, all I can see is darkness and dirt. When I look out, I cannot see because of all the scum, filth, the grime and the liter that encamps me and my environment – when will things change? My God, why am I here? What made me have to take in so much? Why must I have to absorb such? Why is my world full of so much pain? Why can’t I just have an evening full of love and joy, why must I survive by imagining that all is okay? Heck, my darkness has broken through my happy pill. I am in a whirlwind and cannot get out. I am so challenged that family and society has closed its doors! Human inheritance is just a thing for others and not for me. No one to share my bloodline, and no one to look at that integral part of me. Heaven wasn’t smiling on me when I came around and while I believe that I have received greatly, sometimes it feels as if there is a ceiling enclosing on my head, keeping me from moving to higher ground. How can I look up? How can I move up? How can I rise above to the green pasture? Why must my home be like the pit, the one pigs lie in? Again, how must I move on? How can I find the strength to continue? Do I love me? Yes, in fact its not that I feel pity or shame towards self, just I hurt and my ceiling has control. Lord, lift me up where I belong - where the eagles fly and the mountains are high. Lord, life me up; don’t leave me this way! I have to trust that you will send me refuge-this is my only raft to survival in all of this. If I cannot believe this, then I lay as a sinking ship. I’ll just wait until the storm calms my rocky sea, when the dew of the morning eases my pain. One day my head will rise, I will rise and see me as You see me. Please be at the door and knock – if You do, I will open it and then I can be home to Your mercy, grace, peace, restoration and most importantly your love.” Shalom “Shameful and pained people hold their head down and cannot look up! My shame and pain will not rob me of the diamonds and the rubies of life! I may have experiences many losses in life, however I have had many gains, and the biggest one is not missing God in all of this!” Serenity “The positive in letting go means to have liberation that can keep one from both physical and mental health issues. Interesting, the story of Jesus on the Cross mentioned the act of forgiveness. His words, “Father, forgive them,” may seem to some passive but it was for his physical and mental state. Regardless of all that was actually taking place, the smears of hurtful words, the mean acts taking place and ultimate cruelty, Jesus was able to say in pain and agony, “Father, forgive them.” I wonder can we do the same? When we are in pain, when we feel abandoned, let down, abused, disappointed and anything that represents any acts that can shake up our very own peace, security and livelihood, can we do the same as Jesus and say those words? Most of us cannot, especially when we are actually in the middle or at the onset of the cruelty…… “Many illnesses, sickness and disease come from deadly emotions that have turned inward and actually hurting the individual…….” “How often do we seem to find ourselves struggling with difficult places that stiffened our growth? When one is struggling with these difficult places, it is easy to throw in the towel and call defeat or to blame the defeat on others. What about when it is more fruitful to tackle these difficult places so that we can have a more abundant life? One must tap into that inner strength and vision to begin the process of renewal. One must reclaim self ad redefine self but this also requires quite a bit of self discovery and ability to deal with what is and what is about to come. In order to begin the process of moving out of the struggle of challenge, one must do the follow, for growth can occur……” “We like the plants need the same, else we become like the rooted out or disease, trapped and feel as if we are ruled by defeat.” “Life can through some terrible hard balls. In fact, when we are faced with life challenges, such as loss, destruction, ruin, etc., we have to find a way to bring us back to level ground; else we may find ourselves in a whirlpool pulling us downward. As I consider feminist theory, I find refuge in the fact that it celebrates gender uniqueness, as I can begin to find my way back to a safe and secure place of being. That is to say – you are you and I am me! What will it take for us to shed our stuff and move in awareness that is self-awareness regardless of what others may say or think? ” “In many retrospect’s, we must first look within instead of looking out. This theory in essence teaches to first search inward before tackling those tough places outside of us. Coupled with cognitive behavioral thought, one is able to really find a sense of true self and begin anew. At this point, we may need to spend a considerable amount of time these layers, as they may include not only ourselves but it may include reconciliation, a letting go or a release of others. Through proper therapy, ones therapist will know how to help in handling this area so that it will be of a therapeutic release.” “Other places that that we may fail to consider that are less intimate spaces such as those social aspects, i.e. discrimination, stereotyping, objectification (especially sexual objectification), oppression, and patriarchy (social, cultural or governmental systems recognizing gender preferences to males.) While these are all for the majority, outside of ones personal experience, it is close enough to be in ones personal experience, thus making it something close enough to cause challenge and grief.” ….. It did not darn on me until one day when I was getting a pedicure, I realized that my life for the most part is just like my feet needing a pedicure- for me I need someone else to see those areas that I cannot see that are rough and tough and make them smooth. What the clinician can see is very different in what I can see – that’s why I don’t do my own pedicures, because the outcome would be different. The clinician can see places in my feet, ankles and legs that may be hidden from me. I cannot blame the clinician for these areas being bad, I have to take responsibility for this. I have to go further and admit that I am responsible for the condition my feet are in and I cannot blame any one else for this. Like my feet, I also have a responsibility to the rest of my being to do the same.” …. this road is like a merry-go-round, and I cannot get off the ride. Every other lady can get on the ride, only to get off (pregnancy), while I am left on the ride. Now, I am in my last year of the seven years of hearing “no” that I feel pained. Now, every “no” in anything reminds me of the “no” that I receive each month, but this is my problem and not the world’s; its not even my husbands issue – he already is a father! My not having a child does not change the fact that he already is a father – it’s just me who is on this road alone. I am going to have positive thoughts about today, my appointment and be hopeful of the outcome. If things do not go as planned, then I will have to, delicately care for myself – I always do. My goal is for a positive pregnancy test; if not, at least suitable help in the right direction. If I at least get this today, then that will be enough for me. If not, then I will just have to delicately care for my pain and tippy-toe myself out and above my pain.” Rest …Monday through Friday I would go without it, but when Friday came around, wine became my companion. When I was without a person to share my life experiences, I would get a fine glass of wine and reflect on my most intimate thoughts. Sometimes it became apart of my Sunday agenda, along with