Tales From The Bug Guy

You would think that pest control is boring work. And for the most part, it is. Or at least, should be. I mean, after all, we’re dealing with tiny little bugs. What’s all the fuss about? Sure, you get those instances where you’re thrown a challenge that may require a bit of research or thinking outside the box. But those are fun. Something different than the garden-variety pest complaint. But what makes pest control difficult, and certainly not boring, are the people. And it’s not all people. Only certain people. You know who I’m talking about. They’re called jerks. My favorite cartoon in the funny pages of the newspaper was the eighties classic, The Far Side, by Gary Larson. He made the best single-panel cartoons ever. There was one I particularly liked. It was God, working in his “laboratory.” Behind him on a shelf were jars that were labeled with their contents. One said “trees,” another said “animals,” another said “people,” etc. Well, the caption underneath the cartoon read, “And just to keep things interesting . . .” In God’s hands was a jar labeled “jerks,” and he was shaking the jar over the planet he was making—Earth. I still laugh my ass off with that one. How true. And that is what this book is about. All the stories about all the jerks I’ve had to deal with. All true stories, all real-world dealings. I find it upsetting that nice, decent, and considerate are all boring. You can’t write a book about that. No one would read it. But jerks are captivating. Jerks are interesting. Jerks make great stories. And that is what this book focuses on—the jerks. We had hundreds and hundreds of customers come and go over the years, and the overwhelming majority of them were great. And I truly appreciated them all. But it’s those bastards you have to deal with every day that gave me the idea to write this book. Just a few caveats regarding this book. If you haven’t figured out by now, I am using a fake name. Duh. The reason being is that I am under a five-year noncompete agreement with the company that bought us, and I do not want them to suffer any repercussions due to this memoir. That’s how petty I think some of these people I’ve dealt with are. Also, I just want to remain as incognito as possible. There will be no names, no places cited. Only true stories of my experiences. Also, I want to point out that everything you read is the absolute truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, I swear to God. I don’t even need to embellish in the slightest bit. That’s how fucked up some of these stories are. Also, I promise to not bore you with the exact names, terms, Latin references, etc. that are a part of the pest industry. Just layman’s terms. I’m not going to be calling things insects, arachnids, arthropods, anthropoids, and so on. They will be called simply bugs. We were in business for a little over eighteen years. And believe me, there was never a dull moment over those eighteen years. Some of the crap that we went through is hard for even me to imagine. But I swear it is all true. It’s what happens when you encounter jerks every day. But what I hopefully got out of all of it is a somewhat entertaining mash-up of all the crap and nonsense that being a “bug guy” can offer. I hope you enjoy the read. As far as offending anybody, I really don’t give a shit. If something hits home and pisses you off while reading this, just deal with it because I really don’t care. If you think I’m talking about you, then maybe I am. I’m just not using your name, address, or place of work. You’re welcome.