Mindless Emotions

About the Book

This is the story of a young child destined to be a violent and dangerous criminal but it certainly did not start out that way. Home life was peaceful and fun most of the time, only mildly disrupted by the occasional fight between the siblings that most families experience. This type of behaviour is a valuable way of learning the rights and wrongs of a parents regulations and expectations as the children learn the meaning of sharing. A guiding hand, a gentle word of encouragement or a soothing attentive touch keeps the children within the boundaries of an elders guidelines but if you take away the foundations of that structure and replace it with an angry aggressive borderless rule you are left with a mine field of confusion and disrespect that will only do harm to the nurturing of the child in question. That is exactly what happened to this household, once the Royal Naval Engineer father retired from his duties in the Navy and took up his role of father to his children and lord of the family home. His inexperience in both roles changed the direction of every individual under his control. The harder he tried to keep order the need to become harsher upon them grew too. As the desired respect rapidly faded from the man’s home, fear became the tool through which control was gained. I being the smallest of the children in this boiling pot of brewing problems became influenced by the strong hand and powerful rule of the ex naval officer. He was used to the respect and fear of the young men that were learning their trades as seaman from him but a child was a whole new way of life for him and it all went very wrong. Within the borders of the family home or within the reach of a powerful back-hander when not, my childhood became a depressive and fearful time. I longed so much to feel the love of my father but it never came and to add further pain to my saddened heart I could see the love that the fathers of my friends put upon them. Every word and every action from the people around me became a tormenting confusion of mixed emotions and guidelines. As my teens slowly released me from my fathers influences, a new role model came into my life in the form of a brother in law that happily killed creatures of all sorts and led me willingly into the pubs instead of school. I too became a killer of animals but my aggression grew towards people also and it was not long before fighting became a regular occurrence. On occasions I would carry a large knife and although it was never to be used in a violent act against a human, it was down to luck more than judgement. Shoplifting and theft fell into the armoury of the street kid that I was shaping to be and from the illegal profits of a personal black market, alcohol and drugs as well as the odd football match here and there were affordable. My father’s angry characteristics could easily be seen through my shallow personality and was to become more evident as relationships with young women were to grab my attention. Only after having children did I start to realise that my anti social behaviour would one day affect their lives in the same negative way that mine was and so I tried so hard to be a good father and partner to their mother. Years later following an affair, between their mother and another of my brother in laws, did I look back upon the life I had led, in search of the reasons for why she would want to leave me and the startling truth stared painfully back at me. By now ghosts were playing their part in messing up my head too and they had led me to a spiritualist church from which I learnt about the values of religion. As I researched through Hinduism, Buddhism and Christianity for an answer from God I found a pathway that led me to India and to a guru whose teachings inspired me. Confusion and mental breakdowns were not far behind though; I was soon home and just as depressed as I had always been but I still had no answers. After needing a f

About the Author

From Childhood through to adulthood, my experiences of abuse at the hands of an angry father made me an aggressive and violent person that struggled with relationships, work and life in general. My eventual diagnosis of a Borderline Personality Disorder made good sense of the character that I had become. That diagnosis has since transformed me dramatically into the person I am, today. My days of receiving or giving out abuse are over. I am a loving, caring family man with a job and a happy disposition.