X-Parenting

The Fundamental Principles On the surface my system of parenting might seem complex, but it can be broken down, analyzed, and understood very simply. There are only a few grounding principles that constitute the foundation of my philosophies. They provide clarity of vision and purpose that allow me to drive the planning and implementation decisions that need to be made. In this first part of the book I will take you on a journey through my most intimate philosophies and beliefs, giving you total access to how I view the world and my ultimate responsibilities of being a parent. Understanding, not necessarily agreeing with, these principles is crucial to putting together all of the pieces of the parenting system and absorbing the messages and lessons from the real-life stories. I ask only that you keep an open mind. I promise that by the end of this book I will have given you a lot to think about! Choices! The most fundamental of my principles, and the backbone of my parenting philosophy, is that the child has no choices! You don’t have to agree, but you do need to understand so that the remainder of the principles and laws can be taken in the proper context. Choice is considered a most basic human right, but it requires thought and decision-making abilities based on your experiences and sources of reference. The younger the age, the fewer experiences you have to draw upon to be able to reason and rationalize through making a good decision. As parents we were both in agreement that most of the major choices for our children would be guided, influenced, or decided by us, having insight on the child and the wisdom of life’s experiences. We could assess the characteristics, passions, and needs of the child to determine their most suitable path, as well as make objective, well-informed course correcting decisions as the child grew, developed, and changed. Now, to say that the child has absolutely no choices whatsoever may be just a bit misleading. What it actually turns out to be is limited choices, at a lower level, that have already been filtered down to options in the vein of the intended path. Essentially the child is making choices at a level that they are prepared to make them at that moment, and they grow into more advanced level choices as their experiences and maturity level increases. For most people this level of involvement in your child’s choices is an unfathomable responsibility to take on above and beyond the responsibilities already required of a parent. Not to mention that some would consider it an infringement on the natural human rights of the child to make his or her own choices. Personally, I see it as an extension of my responsibility to ensure the success of my children and give them every possible advantage. It is actually no different than the methods more commonly known to most as control, brainwashing, and flat out “just do as I say” which almost every parent through the generations has done on at least one occasion. With this “no choice” principle at the core of my parenting philosophies, I have clear directive for driving the children in the direction they should go with extreme focus and commitment. That in some ways makes my parenting job easier. As parents we had delved into the subject of choices on more than a few occasions by painting scenarios involving different situations the children would eventually encounter and determining what decisions we would make. That way we could ensure that our reactions in the moment would mirror our intentions, and that we were on one accord with the decisions. Agreement between parents philosophically is key. Without it there would be conflicting parenting styles that would be very confusing to the child and would counteract cohesive progress. The range of choices that might have to be made was so broad we could never list them all out ahead of time and get agreement, but in preparation for what was to come, we talked about a lot of different types of choices and what decisions we would make for the children: schools to attend at various stages of their development, their choice in a spouse, the best fit in careers, managing people in their inner circle who would become close friends, exposure to the world and everything in it, places they would live, first sexual experience, when various concepts or experiences would be introduced to them, the sport they would specialize in, and any number of other decisions that get made in the course of normal parenting. We discussed the pros and cons of our thinking to ensure we were not only of one accord, but that we were truly comfortable with our decisions. And I think that needs to be reiterated – we talked about everything we possibly could before, during, and even after having children because it is a continuously evolving process. Some of the plans we originally drew up had to change, either due to our enlightenment or a different development in the character traits of the child. Although plans fundamentally stay the same, they will often times need to be adjusted or modified. The first public expression of this particular principle is an interesting story in and of itself. It all began with one of our usual philosophical discussions held around the dining room table of one of my best friends. We were in the midst of conversation and naturally ended up on the topic of parenting, when she hit us with it. "What kind of choices will you allow your children to make?" The question was simple and straight forward, but carried with it a level of complexity that made me pause to really consider my answer and not just give a quick, emotional reaction. If I answered based on my own upbringing, I would have naturally said that the children would make most of their own decisions and it would be my job as a parent to support that 110%. If I answered based on how I have come to understand my own role of parenting, I definitely would be further left of that philosophy. The pause invited more clarifying questions. "Are you OK with choosing their path in life? With assisting in or arranging their choice in a spouse?" I think she already knew my answers to those questions, as she knows me very well and we had spent quite a bit of time throughout the years discussing parenting philosophies. The answer to this fundamental issue of who has the choice, the parent or the child, is critical and will either enable or prohibit your ability to affect the type of parental structure I chose and to which I will be referring to throughout this book.