The Brown Shoelace Chronicles

Introduction Early one February I was fortunate enough to be selected to make a short business trip to visit my company’s office in the Philippines. I was looking forward to see the faces and shaking the hands of several of the names I had been working with over the phone and through e-mail over the years. However since the trip was for only 4 days I thought the 24-hour plane flight was going to be the only adventure I had in store. Well the four-day trip turned out to be a 14-day trip, which ended up being a several month trip and eventually ended up almost a year in duration that spanned several countries. So I had plenty of time to get into trouble, experience a new culture and be a little adventurous. This is a collection of the short stories that I sent home during my assignments in Manila, Trinidad and Indonesia, I hope you enjoy them. The thing that makes this place so unique is the communication (A man attempts shopping) All the signs and almost all of the TV shows here are in English. However most people speak little but their native language, Tagalog (which seems to be a cross between Spanish, English and something I believe they picked up from a Star Wars movie). However they all seem to understand and speak American slang and sales slogans quite well. Anyway my point here is shopping, yes I know something every man dreads and a communication gap makes this all the more frustrating to the gender that actually expects to bring a desired object home from the mall. You see I broke the shoelace on one of my black dress shoes the other day. I know, this already sounds boring, but hey I got a minute, I thought this might be a funny story so just bare with me. Where was I? O yeah, I broke a black shoelace the other day so on Sunday I thought “hey how about a trot over to the “Festival Mega Mall (until recently the largest mall in all Asia)” and fetch me a new lace?”. Simple enough plan, it was hot out, the Mall is air-conditioned, I could grab a bite, see a movie. All around make a day of it. So I walked the 3 blocks to the “Festival Mega Mall (until recently the largest mall in all Asia)” ready to quickly score me some shoelaces grab a Big Mac and see a movie. I hit 3 shoe stores and did not see one shoelace, so had to resort to actually asking for assistance in store 4. By now I’m getting a little hungry but this has sprouted into a mission, I can not stop until I get my lace. Now that actual eye contact has been made at store 6, I must verbally communicate with these people. The next few shops the clerks just looked at me as if I was crazy, the few after that made motions that no black laces could be had there. However the cheerful chirps and enthusiastic gestures indicated I would have little trouble if I required lime green or shocking pink laces. So now I have to stoop to asking directions, (hear me out guys before you chastise me this story could give us some validation for NOT doing this in the long run). OK so now I’ve been to about 8 shoe stores and one kinda Kmart thing and no laces (didn’t I say this is “Festival Mega Mall (until recently the largest mall in all Asia)”) but now I have directions . . . . in Tagalog (the national language, that can only be spoken by an American male if he has been recently kicked in the groin). So armed with my best translation of munbo-jumbo hand waving and head nodding I’m on my way again to get some laces, and hopefully still have time for my happy meal. It took me another 10 minutes to discover, not my destination, but another shoe store here at the “Festival Mega Mall (until recently the largest mall in all Asia)”. Again to my avail no black laces, so I try to keep the directions to just the store name that has black laces when I make my quire. Again I get a Tagalog response, again more hand waving and nodding and off I go. Four more times I don’t find the store they sent me to, I find another four different shoe stores (yes that’s right more shoe stores in the “Festival Mega Mall (until recently the largest mall in all Asia)”. Four more times I don’t find black laces. Four more times I am directed to four different stores with names, in Tagalog. By now I’m tired I must have waked over 10 miles inside “Festival Mega Mall” (until recently the largest mall in all Asia), sorry just had to do that again. Now I’m pretty much convinced that none of these stores exist. The thought that this has all been cruel entertainment for these clerks enters my mind. To me there is a very distinct possibility that clerks in all of the shoe stores here in the “Festival Mega Mall (until recently the largest mall in all Asia)” have been calling each other to see how much of a wild goose chase they can keep me on. I decide the game is over, it’s to late for a burger, I just want to go home, as I get to the mall entrance there is, you guessed it one last shoe store. I stagger in and inquire about black shoelaces, and as I get the standard reply (in Tagalog) I happen to see one pair of brown shoelaces even in the right length. I snatch them up, I must have seemed a little to eager because the ended up costing about $10. In looking back I think that might have been part of the ploy all along, have me run around the mall until I would spend $10 for a $1.50 item in the wrong color. A Big Mac, fries and a coke cost $1.50 and a movie cost $2.50. So you see guys it doesn’t do any good to ask directions. If you can’t find it the first time, eat a Big Mac and go see a movie, believe me you’ll save time and money in the long run.