I Am Crying, God

She is the soft quiet voice that is reading, with much clarity, as you are delivering the word of God. Therefore, it is her voice you listen for or seek in time of need. She labels her Bible chapter by chapter, so she can always be the first to arrive there when you call for the reading of the scripture. She has convinced you that she follows your command or request just the way you give them without varying so that she can gain your trust. When in all actuality she is totally manipulating you to become dependent upon her. When you preach, she stands. When you sing, she dances . . . I wanted so very badly to please God. I ached inside for him. My every waking moment was inviting him to take over my life. The Holy Spirit filled this place. This place was I. I so needed to know that my very being was pleasing unto him. My intense longing and yearning in the middle of the night was for him alone. I could not think about anything else. I just wanted him. I begged him to place an eternal “yes” inside of me. In the very depths of my being. That “yes” he placed in me never rested until it connected to the things he wanted to birth in my life. There were times when I felt tormented by my “yes.” Until the “yes” he placed in me connected with the object it was to connect to, I had no peace. Often I heard myself asking . . . As leaders, we cannot continue to force people to live in bondage when Christ died to set them free. Before the crucifixion, people were bound by the law, by political and societal rules and regulations, but when Christ died, they were liberated, they were made free in him, through him, and by him. All he asks is that we would trust him and acknowledge him in all our ways so that he can continue to lead and guide us into all truth . . . The only way to total peace, total freedom, and total happiness is through total forgiveness. In order to be forgiven, we must forgive. We must empty out all secret things. We must allow God to search the crevices of our heart. We must ask him to remove all the residue, all those things that have been crusted over, all the plaque, all the clogs and blockages. We must let go of all the hurt, the pain, the offenses, disappointments, the spirit of emotional abuse, betrayal, and rejection. We must learn to love and respect one another and ourselves . . . Yes, the weapons are still forming, but I declare and decree according to the word of God that they will not prosper. Yes, pain continues to be inflicted upon my life and my dreams, but God has prepared me for the battle, and he continues to prepare me. I believe everything we go through is preparation for the next level of warfare. As long as we are on the face of this earth, offenses will come and attacks will be, but it is how we handle them that will make the difference in our lives . . . Can you imagine lying in bed on a chilly morning in a nice, cozy sleep, and all of a sudden, the covers are snatched off you? In some cases, it appeared Satan had warmed us into a deep sleep, and God in his unmerited mercies had to snatch us out of the realm of death. We were bordering in a danger zone. We were sleeping on the pews, and the word of God was falling on deaf ears. We were locked up in flesh and in self. We were entering a place of no return. We were operating as the living dead. Our sensitivity had become totally warped. We had entered a realm of total selfishness. It matters not who we wounded through our undefined sense of disrespect. We were becoming a hard-headed, stiff-necked, rebellious people. For some of us, somehow along the way, we had been wounded, and in our pain, we were wounding others without a sense of care . . .