Self-Sabotage: How to Minimize Self-Destructiveness and Its Negative Impact on Others

There continues to be a growing consensus that physical and mental health are indistinguishable and inseparable., even though our health service providers may only treat one or the other (e.g., insomnia with pills or depression without a thorough physical screen). The child who is locked in the closet for six hours not only suffers psychological impact, but also permanent physical changes represented in the child’s brain as a memory. Likewise, research has established that high levels of continuous stress lower our immune response and take a toll on our physical wellbeing. In the chapters that follow we discuss a huge array of common physical and mental problems that have been acquired and maintained by self-destructive behavior patterns. The enormity of self-destructiveness in our culture is staggering when we explore some readily available statistics, such as: • In 2017, nearly 20 million adults 12 and older battled a substance abuse disorder. • It is estimated that 29 million Americans will have an eating disorder in their lifetime. • Gambling and gaming disorders are increasing and affect about 1% of the population. • Suicide is estimated to be the tenth leading cause of death and claims about 50,000 lives. • Self-mutilative behavior is estimated to inflict about 4% of the population. • During 2016, more than one million drivers were arrested for DUI of alcohol or drugs and accounted for approximately 28% of all traffic deaths in the US. • Almost 1% of the US population is in jail at any given time. • Most lung cancer death are caused by smoking cigarettes, and about one-half million smokers die each year. • Obesity is the chief cause of disability, Type II diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease. It also plays a role in sleep apnea, problems with the back, hips, and legs, as well as numerous other medical and psychological problems. • Non-adherence to medical recommendations across all treatment regimens is about 26%. • About one in three women and one in four men experience severe domestic violence by an intimate partner. • Anxiety disorders affect about 18% of the population, and depressive disorders run close behind at about 14-16%. • Estimates of obsessive compulsive (OCD) and related disorders for 12-month prevalence are about 1.2% (OCD), body dysmorphia (2.4%), trichotillomania (1.2%). Of course, just as there many different types of self-destructive patterns, their severity varies greatly in terms of affects on the individual and others. Many self-destructive patterns are relatively innocuous whereas others can be very harmful and even dangerous or lethal. Nevertheless, we can be very adaptive, flexible, and creative in developing and maintaining more constructive habits and coping styles. We intend to capitalize on these positive attributes, along with others, in helping the reader accomplish their goals toward a healthier and more satisfying life. All of us demonstrate some level of self-destructiveness in one or more domains. It is not our goal to help people wipe out all vices or get them to try to live a 100% healthy lifestyle. This is not only unrealistic, but also constitutes a value judgment about the proper way to live. Rather, it is our intention to explore the dynamics of self-destruction, including causes, effects, prevention, and treatment (self-help and professionally directed), especially when expected to impact our physical and mental health significantly and negatively. In addition, we will discuss not only what significant others can do to potentially help prevent or minimize others from self-sabotage but, also, how they can be directly and indirectly impacted in negative ways by patterns of self-destructiveness engaged in by others. Too often, we have focused on the “sufferers” or “victims” while glossing over the damaging influences on those who encounter them. These significant others often get caught in a web of negative impacts, including heightened stress and frustration, abuse, neglect, financial strain, legal entanglements, etc. Frequently, these patterns play out over many years or even decades with cascading effects on health and life satisfaction. Initially, the family member who is most likely to come into therapy voluntarily is not the one who is in the most need of counseling or changes in their health habits. Usually, it is their partner, adult child, ex, or some other family member who is causing most of the problems but unwilling or unable to address them effectively. Unfortunately, the concerned family member or mate frequently struggles with feelings of lack of control, frustration, and other emotional difficulties which can lead them to patterns of self-destructiveness due to misplaced feelings of guilt, responsibility, enabling, etc. These patterns tend to reinforce and maintain negative health patterns in the sufferer as well as the significant other. It is analogous to jumping in the water to prevent someone from drowning rather than giving them the means to help themselves. In the former case we are likely to drown with them whereas in the latter they are more likely to learn how to cope on their own. Accordingly, we offer advice to the family member or friend on how they can remain constructive and stable in the face of a self-sabotaging person. We cannot help others optimally if we are not maximally healthy ourselves.